Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I Need Help

Some of you may have noticed that I haven't been here lately. There's good reason for that. My grandma died about 3 weeks and my life has been chaos as I attempt to tackle my own home, tackle her home, deal with a family who is insane at the best of times and at the worst, well they'd drive a saint to drinking and also handle my own little family.

I thought I had everything under control. Progress has been made on my house, progress has been made on her house and the kids had excellent report cards. From the outside, everything looked ok..just don't look too closely at the inside.

The truth is, I'm not handling things. I'm just pushing through and not dealing with anything at all. I clean the house so that I don't have the time to think about the fact that she's really gone. I go through her boxes and it's as if she's just inside the house and at any time, I can carry something in and ask her to tell me the story behind it. I know she's gone and yet I'm still in some sort of suspended animation. I'm still in denial and in those moments where it hits me that she's really gone, I've turned to food for my comfort.

I've been using food to try to fill this horrible void inside of me. Then, I realize what I'm doing and I go the other way. I stop eating. I go all day and then eat something like a bowl of cereal for dinner. I've become the queen of Fruit Loops and Capn' Crunch. I'm rapidly sliding back into eating disorder days and I feel completely incapable of stopping it. More and more, I find myself into this negative headspace of what does it matter anyway? Nobody can tell. Nobody can see just how badly I really am doing right now. Nobody knows that thrill I feel when I allow a piece of food to actually go into my body and that rush to keep eating and that equal rush of being able to stop and control it.

Eating disorder anyone? The thing is, I'm wrong. There are those that are affected by this. Tonight, I let these thoughts fill my head until I was back at that place where all I could see was the weight. It wasn't just a number, anymore. It defined me. It defined me to the point where I stepped on a scale to prove to someone that the number was real. I took the scale to the front porch and I stepped on it...289 pounds. They told me it didn't matter what the scale said, they had seen me maybe 6 weeks ago and it was clear that I had lost a large amount of weight. They told me it wasn't possible that I had gained back all that weight in that amount of time and my pants were still falling off of me. I told them it must because I'd worn them so much without washing them that they'd lost all their shape. They made me put the scale back where it'd been when I was weighing in regularly..264. If that's accurate, I've gained back about 15 pounds..

The reality is that it doesn't matter if that number is accurate or not. I'm not healthy. I'm not in a healthy mental state. I'm headed down a road that dangerous. I know it and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to deal with the emotions that I've bottled up inside of me while I try to save the world. I don't know how to mourn. I don't know how to mourn while everyone leans on me. I don't know how to do this when the very people I thought would support me the most have supported me the least. So many people that I have helped in the past, the people who have called me when they considered cheating on their spouses or when their world was upside down, haven't been here for me. I was good enough in the bad times but not when the bad times have found me. I thought there'd be support from those who have gone through this and yet, nothing. For months, I would leave dozens of comments for my Mamavation sistas and yet when I need it most, so few have even noticed my absence. It's hard.

Tonight, I am in a bad place. I don't know how to get out of it. Tonight, I said things to someone who had become incredibly special to me over the past few weeks. I said things that I think hurt him, because he cares about me. I jumped to conclusions based 95% around my own negative mental image of myself. The truth is..I don't know what I look like. I only know that somehow I have to get through this...and I don't know how.

9 comments:

Michael

Motivation comes in many ways, unfortunately tragedy is the most common. Love life and love yourself like no one else will. When you make the goals that will make you happy, reach for them. Others, true friends will be there to celebrate with you during and after you have made them real.Reach and dont stop till you can look at yourself and smile. Know the people that love you already will be smiling for you regardless. Just reach....

Michael

Justin

It's such a crushing blow to lose her and I know you haven't fully absorved all of it yet. I'm so very sad about it and I want to help. You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world. When we fall down, all we can do is pick ourselves back up. Let me pick you back up.

Wendy

Ah, katrina-

I'm so sorry sweetie that I didn't realize that you were hurting so badly. So, so sorry. I did comment a few times on FB but I thought your were just trying to get through going through the house, which is hellish. I wish I could be there to hold your hand or hug you or just be-- but I can be around to "talk" to if needed- please IM me and I'm there. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. {{{}}}'s to you.

Libby

Oh lady. I have been so wrapped up in the drama in my life....I didn't know you lost your grandma. I'm so sorry and I'm sorry I'm not a better friend to you. I adore you and think whoever you said hurtful things to will understand.

MNMSpecial

I'm sorry I just figured it was because your computer hadn't arrived yet. :(

My grandmother has been gone eight years and I still feel it. I think its hard for me because I never got to say goodbye our come back for her funeral and get closure.

I think those moments of feeling like you can run in and ask her questions show how close you are to her. Its never easy because someone something you've been with ha forced you into a new routine.

Its easy to fall into bad habits, but I know your a worker & we can work on building you back up and shaping you into that woman you want to be. I'll try to be better at bugging you. Do you want to start at water again?
Hugs

MMM

I think an important thing to look at, is the fact that you have recognized that you atelier slipping back. That is a HUGE step. Because you are catching it, and confronting it before it gets out of control.
Its hard to tell people how to grieve, because everyone does it different. But you are never alone. Your mamavation sistas are here for you!
I'm so sorry for your loss, and I will be praying for you to have peace, and guidance through this hard time.
Big Hugs!
Fbbmomma
Micah

Jessie @ MomVantage

Katrina,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My father passed away when I was 17, and I honestly don't know if I have ever truly gotten past it. I was very close to my dad, and I really struggled with his death. It was made even harder by the fact that people were leaning on me for support, and I felt that I had to put on a brave face for them... to help them through it. And the ending result was that I never allowed myself the time that I needed to mourn. And once I finally did - I not only had to mourn my father, but I had to clean up the huge mess that I had made in the process. I had to face multiple addictions, and by the grace of God I managed to come out of it with a better understanding of who I was, what I needed and how to ask for help when necessary.

I guess my point really is that you don't have to be a support for everyone else. Yes, it is a wonderful thing that you want to be there for them, but you can't lose yourself, your health and overall well being in the process. Take some time to just let yourself feel. Grab a box of tissues and cry until the tears wont come anymore. Forget about the house, laundry, and any other non-necessary obligation that you have for a few days and just focus on your feelings. Think about the good times you had with your grandma - look at pictures, make a scrapbook for yourself. I know that once I allowed the feelings to come, and I forced myself to deal with them, I was finally able to clear my head and move into a healthier place.

I know how hard it is when other people let you down. But instead of focusing on them, focus on those that are supporting you and let the rest go. From the comments left before me, it sounds like you do have some very good friends that really care about you.

bookieboo

I'm so sorry for your loss dear. I know what you mean when you say that you expect support from people who you have really been there for in the past. That has happened to me several times IRL in my life. The only explanation I've come up with is they expect you to be the strong one and when you aren't they kinda freak and don't want to have to be the strong one. When my father was dying of cancer my brother took off to Europe for weeks leaving me behind as everything was crumbling. It's never easy being the one who fixes everyone else's problems. It can get lonely. I'm so sorry dear. You have us. We just had no idea. Now we do. Xxoo

Lindsay

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain that it has brought. I don't have any amazing words of wisdom or insights, but I wanted to let you know that the Mamavation ladies will rally around you. You do have support and I'm sorry that we haven't been here sooner.

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