Monday, April 23, 2012

Mamavation Monday : Bondage

I'm sure that most of you never expected me to title a post anything to do with bondage or the like. Before you get excited, I'm not using that in the literal sense, though those who know me, know I'm a big fan of rope.

Today is more about the emotional bondage that I seem to be in right now. My last post talked about my eating issues and I wish I could say that they're better, but they're not. If anything, I'm becoming more and more comfortable with the fact that I don't want to eat. I have no desire to eat.

I told someone yesterday that it wasn't about weight. Food and eating just don't appeal to me. Today, I'm not so sure that's true. Someone special to me did a fetish style photo shoot last night and as he told me bits about it today, I found myself thinking things that never should have entered my mind. I quite literally told myself that it's ok not to eat, that I don't need to eat. Even if I don't eat between now and the time I'll see him in a month, there's no way I'll be thin enough, maybe I need to add in working out as well. Thank goodness he won't read this. He's been here before but he doesn't come here all the time. I don't want to worry him or have him upset with me.

I know this way of thinking isn't healthy but I've become more and more comfortable with it. Other than some candy, I didn't eat anything until about 9pm last night. Then, I only ate because it was expected of me. Had I been left alone, I wouldn't have eaten anything. Tonight, I will make dinner for the boys and eat with them because they expect me to.

I don't really want to eat. I know it's bad but right now, in this moment, I don't care. I just want to be thin and beautiful...and that's the voice that I hear in my head. I'm scared for me. I'm scared I won't be able to break free from this. I'm already getting tired all the time. I know this path isn't worth it but I don't really know what to do. He wants to take pictures of me in a month and I'm just not thin or pretty enough. He'd be angry with me for saying that. He'd tell me that I know it's not true. That he thinks I'm beautiful. I just wish I thought I was too...

10 comments:

wendy

Oh,Katie-
I'm so sorry that you feel this way.I am very happy that you see that feeling this way is not right. and that you are right in being nervous about feeling that way. And you know that not eating is not going to make you be the way you want- I want to give you a great big hug.

Lindsay

Katie, this breaks my heart. I don't know what to say to help you, but I want you to know that we are here for you and we want to help you in any way we can. I'm sending you HUGE virtual hugs!

MNMSpecial

Okay....I'm putting my foot down. You and I know each other to well to let this fly. I'm begging you to go talk to a professional. I've been down this road. I still struggle with it myself. Honestly it won't get you closer to your goal, it will just deprive your children of the wonderful mom they know & love.
Your body eating itself from the inside out isn't sexy. You are beautiful. I know you may not see it yet, it took me 13 years, but permanent damage isn't worth it. So as a friend I'm begging you. Hugs

Shelley

I know you and I have not talked in some time but that doesn't change how much I care about you and I'm seconding Megan. and I've been in your shoes. and as much as we all love you - I don't know that we are - as a community - to support the issues you DESERVE to be free of. Of course we will be here, but you HAVE to talk to someone who is better equipped to help you handle the demons that you face. KNOW THIS - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. and you don't have to be. I adore you. and others do too.

Shelley

Um... fingers moving faster than brain - was supposed to say that:

I don't know that we are - as a community - equipped to support the issues you DESERVE to be free of.

Krista Swan

Dear Katie,
I'm glad that Megan and Shelley said this, because that was going to be my exact advice – talk to a professional who can help you unlock the chains.
You know you are hurting your body, but you do it anyway: your post is perfectly titled.
I am sending you light and love through the interwebz, and hope you value yourself enough to get some help. And we are here for you!

Anjanette @MommaYoung

Oh Katie I wish I could be with your right now and give you the biggest longest hug.

If you ever want to talk call me text me whatever your comfy with.

@AndreaEmilien

I am with Megan and Shelley....and all the Sistas. Please, my darling, talk with a professional. I love you, my friend!

Glennda

Katie, this won't do. Not eating will just make you sick. And if you're sick, do you think you would look beautiful. Thin maybe but unhealthy. Think about that.

xenadrine

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