Monday, May 14, 2012

Mamavation Monday: Rollercoasters

Welcome to another week. Mondays, for some reason, have always been one of my favorite days of the week. It always feels like a fresh start and in life, fresh starts are important things.

When dealing with food issues/eating disorders/life, knowing that tomorrow is a new day and a new chance is an important thing. When I left you last week, I was happy and excited about life again. It's funny how quickly emotions can change.

On Tuesday, I was faced with something that I didn't see coming. I can't talk about it here though. Not because it's personal but because it's private between me and another person. This person still means the world to me and I won't risk that. What I can share is that it messed me up. I went from someone who woke up happy and singing and excited about the prospects of the day to someone who wanted to curl under a blanket and hide. The food thing kicked in and it kicked in hard. I didn't eat on Tuesday. That night, I was asked what I'd eaten and the honest answer was nothing. I didn't want to eat. I wanted to hide. I was an emotional wreck who hated herself. I hated my body. I saw no reason to feed it. It was probably one of my lowest moments so far. By the end of the day, I could almost feel my body turning on itself. I was in physical pain.

I did eat that night. I was begged to eat something so I did. I ate an apple. It was hard. I had to force myself to take bite after bite, chewing and swallowing, but I did it. I ate it. Since then, I've slowly been healing. My heart was hurt and so was my self esteem. Those two are tough areas to overcome. I did eat the rest of the week, although after Monday, my body rejected everything that I ate on Tuesday. The rest of the week was easier, as far as that goes.

It's still hard. I was hungry this morning so I ate some cereal. After about 2 bites, it no longer tasted good. I finished it though. I know my body needs fuel. I know my brain is confused. I know this will take time and will always be something I have to watch out for. I'm thankful to not be alone in this. I have good friends and good people in my life who check in on me. Their support means so much to me as I struggle to find my balance again.

I can do this though. I'm not giving up on me or on life. Phoenix is in 9 days and I can't wait. Life holds so much beauty that I'm not going to let something like this stop me from enjoying it. Besides, there are those in Phoenix who will probably put food in front of me constantly..and while I don't need to gain 10 pounds in a weekend, it feels really good that they care about me enough to take care of me. I am loved and I am not alone in this.

6 comments:

Sarah M

Hugs!! I hope things look up for you soon!

Lindsay

Much love to you! I hope things get easier for you soon :)

I wish I could share your Monday affection...but alas...I hate Mondays!

Heather Underwood

Hang in there, girl. Take one day at a time & soon you'll look back & see how far you've come. Hugs!

MMM

What is awesome to me about this post (besides your take on Monday's) is your ability to recognize what is happening. You have identified that you have a "trigger" and that you have an "eating disorder" And, you are "self talking" through it! You are doing an awesome job changing your behavior!!!!! That is something to be proud of! It is so hard to identify it, and face it, but you have. *stands up clapping loud* you deserve a standing ovation! And from the bottom of my heart I mean that!!
Here's to a better week, and more fabulous baby steps!

MommaYoung

Hi Kate,

So sorry that the day didn't turn out on a good one. Sometimes friends, even the ones we love the most, can rip our hearts out and not even know it.

I'm glad your not giving up, you have so much to live for and you may not realize it, but there are A LOT of people that love you and care for you.

Big Huge Hugs - Their cyber, can you feel them. No, ok Im hugging <<>>

Shannon Sander

Hugs Katie. You are very strong for being able to see what the issue is and knowing that you can change your behavior. I hope that your week gets better.

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