Mamavation Monday: Building Blocks

I honestly can't believe that it's Monday again already. The last week whipped by and here we are again. I want to start out by thanking those of you who read, commented on and shared last week's post. It was a very personal one for me and the fact that it touched others means a lot. This week's post is yet another post that only vaguely speaks of weight loss. It's far more about how baby steps and building routines are my current way of life.

You see, I spent a lot of last year completely overwhelmed and it got to the point where I basically shut down. I did the minimum it took to survive. I ate because I was supposed to. I took care of my boys because that's something I'd never not do. I was there for others because that's who I am. I let everything else go. This year, I don't want to live like that again.

January 1st always has a fresh start mentality for me. I can let go of what happened for the 365 days before that and look at life as a new canvas. It's a blank canvas and as such, I can add to it whatever I want.

There it is. My 2012. It's bright. It's clean. It's pure of all negativity. There's no depression there. There's no anxiety. There's just opportunity. Let me show you what my 2011 canvas looked like.

In it's own way, it's beautiful. You see lines of color, sections of beauty but overall, you see chaos. That was my 2011. It was chaos. I would have periods of time where everything would be coming together and then like in a Batman comic/show of old, something would go BAM! and chaos would reign all over again.

I don't want that for my life. So, for 2012, like a skilled artist, I will build the painting of my life. I don't care if this takes me the entire year. I don't care if it means that my house lies in chaos as I add in one small routine a week. In the end, I will have this:

Image courtesy of  The Johnson Galleries

Just like my home and the rest of my life, weight loss and fitness will come in stages. Right now, I am preparing the canvas. I am working through the mental aspects and adding in my water intake. Yes, I've been on this stage for a while but that's ok. It's best to do it properly versus rushed. In the end, I would rather do it properly and look like this (I already have the boobs! Just need to figure out how to get them up like that.):

Image Courtesy of Eric Basaldua

My other option would try to rush things. I could jump right in and workout 6 days a week. I could drink all the water I should be. I could make all the dietary changes I should make. I could do all that or I could starve myself to be "thin". The problem is..I'd never maintain the first one for more than a month or so if I tried doing it all at once. The second one? Well, we all know that's just not healthy and healthy is important to me. I want to be around to hang out with some of the incredible people I've met in the past year. I want to be around for my kids. I want to be around to enjoy the wonders of life around me. So, I'd rather do it right and be an EBAS (aka Eric up there) model versus do it wrong and end up burned out, used up and/or sick. Wonder Woman is far sexier than this:

Image Courtesy of The Walking Dead

So, welcome 2012, the year of building ...me.

Mamavation Monday : Light Bulb Moments

This is the battle inside my head on a daily basis. I know that I'm not alone in this battle. There are very few people who don't have that niggling little negative voice that pops up from time to time. Yet, over top of that voice, we hear a stronger voice that says I can do it. I can and I will and I am.

I'm going to confess right off of the top. This post isn't about weight loss by itself. It's about life. It's about your life. It's about my life. It's about a life of I can instead of a life of I can't. It's about how I, average girl, suddenly realized that I'm not just average, I'm amazing. I am me.

I've spent a lot of this new year in self exploration mode. I've sat back and I've looked at my life and heard all those little voices saying, "You can't have any better. This is what you have." I then looked at them and said you know what? To hell with you. I can do what I want. I can be what I want.

At the first of the year, I started a Facebook group. I never thought this group would be anything. It was just a group for a few people to work on cleaning and organizing challenges over the course of the year. As of this morning, that group has 78 members. We grew to that many in less than a month? Why? Well, there's the obvious that people need support and people can be messy and unorganized. There's another really good reason though. I believed enough in myself and my system that people signed on. Then, those people believed enough in me that they invited their friends. Now, 78 of us are putting our homes together one yay spot at a time. All because I said to myself I can.

Today, I had another of those moments. In May, I plan on attending a comic con in Phoenix. In February, I intend on applying for media passes to attend that event. I planned on this yet thought, "There's no way they'll accept me." Today, I said, "Why the heck not? I write reviews regarding comic books and other things. If I wanted, I could go on air at any point and share about this event."  I am on the media list for not one, but 4 different comic book companies. I may not be Barbara Walters, but I am media.  I can do interviews. I can take pictures. I can use my words.

A month ago, Ben had hamstring surgery on his legs. Last week, he kept complaining that his thighs hurt. It was a mystery until I realized he was having I Can't moments. He can stand up straight now where before he couldn't. In his head, he was still hearing, "I can't stand up tall." This was causing him to crouch which was pulling on those thigh muscles more than need be. I reminded him that he can now stand tall..and you know what? No more hurt thighs.

Our minds are powerful things and too often, we let those negative niggling little voices overwhelm us and we stop. We stop believing in ourselves. We stop moving forward. We just plain stop.

Today, I challenge myself and I challenge all of you. Tell yourself, "I can." I can stand tall. I can lose weight. I can be the best me there is because I am the only me that there is. I can be good enough. More than that, tell yourself, "I am."  I am an amazing and incredible person. I am.

For myself, I will be telling my negative niggling voice to take a hike while I fill my mind with:

I am awesome. I will go to this con. I will look amazing dressed in my costumes. Raven and Kate and Ross and others will be excited to see me and will invite me to events to hang out together. I may not color like Kate or write like Raven, but I am an amazing artist and writer in my own style. They are amazing and I am amazing and amazing should be together.

Edit: For the record, I am still amazing and so is Ross. He's one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet and draws one of my favorite characters. He's incredibly talented and I didn't mean to leave him out above. Since I did, I'm making it up by telling all of you, if you have kids...go buy his comic. You won't regret it and your kids will love it. He's so amazing that I have a surprise coming up for him at the above mentioned con.

Mamavation Monday: Where am I?

Image from the U of VA 

Where have you been I wish some had asked. Where are you now I wish some would ask. The truth is..I did just what so many others who have been put in the spotlight with Mamavation have done. I went off the radar. I don't know why. I love the group. I love their support. I love what they offer. But, for some reason, I went off the grid. I haven't linked up a post in over a month, I think. Yet, nobody contacted me to say, "Hey, are you ok? Why aren't you posting?" ..and that's ok. I'm pretty sure the reason why is that I was given an "automatic excusal" due to what's happening within my family.

The truth is..I don't know that I want an out. When given an out, it's so easy to take it and by taking it, I stop doing the work that needs to be done. Ok, not totally. I am still very aware of what needs doing. However, when taking the out, I give up more than I gain. I give up that support. It's that support that helps me through those days when all I want to do is curl up with an order of fries (not fast food ones, real fries) and a milkshake.

So, this weekend, I put out the call on my Facebook wall. I flat out said that anyone who wanted to could kick my butt and push me to get back to what I need to be doing. Already, Megan has poked me about my water intake. I totally missed her doing it yesterday but today, I saw it and it's in my head as I start my day. Megan cares that I drink my water and she cares about me. I won't let her down. Motivation and accountability can go hand in hand sometimes.

This week, I have the same busy schedule that I always do. In fact, it's a bit more because I'm slowly adding in pieces. Last week, I added back in writing this post. This week, I'm adding in linking it and using one of the dozen water bottles floating around this house. Step by step, I'm getting my life re-organized and back on track.

Mamavation Monday : Back in the Saddle?

Art By Jose Cano

I've been missing around these here parts for a while now. The truth is that I had so much going on that weight loss wasn't anywhere near the front of my mind. I could make excuses but the reality is that I chose not to focus on it. I'm back though. Little by little, I've been putting things back into place. Last week, I focused on my other blog and this week, here I am. I'm adding this piece back into the rotation that is becoming the schedule of my life.

I don't have anything mind blowing to say this week. Then again, I'm not sure that I ever really do. That's ok, though. This site isn't about mind blowing, it's about reshaping ourselves into healthy and happy people.

Oddly enough, I'm doing fairly well with the happy part. I know that the new year is really more symbolic than anything more than another day but this year, I needed that symbolism to wipe away the negativity of the past year and to help me to refocus on areas I've been neglecting. I've recently started a group on Facebook...a group I thought would have about 5 people in it..and it's grown quickly to 75 people. I'm amazed and in awe that so many people are putting their trust and faith in me to help them this coming year.

In other thoughts, it looks as if I might be going to Arizona in May. Keep your fingers, toes and eyes crossed that this happens. It's been too long since I've gotten to go out there and I've missed it. Add to that, there's a chance I'll be attending the Phoenix Comic Con and meeting up with some fantastic people that I've met in the past year. This is where all the insecurities rise..not so much on the meeting up with these people, but on the what I'm going to wear side.

You see, I attended a con back around my birthday and saw people dressed up. In fact, my friend, Lauren, actually dressed up (and looked super great, I might add). I want to dress up. If we go, we'll have full weekend passes (though I'm hoping to score media passes) so that's multiple chances to dress up. Here's where I hit the brick wall. I've heard the comments about bigger girls dressing up. I've read the comments where people say if you're a bigger girl, your costuming choices are Fiona from Shrek or that marshmallow guy from Ghostbusters. Seriously. Ouch. I don't want to dress like that. I want to be sexy. The question is..Is it possible? Let's face it..comic book heroines don't look like me. They look how I look in my dreams. I want to be sexy but I don't want to be a laughing stock with people whispering how I'm about 100 pounds too big for whoever I want to dress up as.

It's something I'm going to have to do some thinking about. I may approach Kate..comic book colorist extraordinare and pin up girl hotness (she's not one, just looks like she could be) to see if she has any ideas. I'm hoping to lose more between now and Memorial Day weekend, but I need to be realistic. It won't be 100 pounds. I wouldn't mind hitting my next goal though..that's only 21 pounds away.

No numbers for this week other than the scale (which I still don't trust) .... 246.6. That puts my total loss at 45 pounds (assuming that scale is vaguely accurate).

Happy End of the Year!

New Year coming, new ideas and new actions.  Over the past couple months, I haven't been taking care of myself the way I should be.  I have gained weight, and my blood sugar has been up.  So what are we going to do about all this?  Or better yet, what am I going to do about this?  Well, I am going to make one minor change ... and that is to move my weekly updates from Friday to Saturday.  There is no real health or weight loss reason for that, it is just for my personal convenience.
Secondly, I am going to start a food diary again.  I did this back when I was first diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, and I really need to do it again to get both my weight and my blood sugar under control.
Thirdly, I am going to have to change what I eat. I have bought some apples and oranges for snacks.  I will be buying more fresh fruits and veggies, too. Once a week, I used to eat a meal of rice and veggies for dinner, and I am going to start that back up too.  I am also going to give brown rice a try again.  I didn't like it the first few times I tried it, but I am going to give it a shot again.

Today's weigh-in, 279.8.
Morning Blood Sugar, 146

Luck and health to all of us in the coming year.

Pachacuti - The World Turned Upside Down

I haven't posted in a while, and really, I have no excuse.  I have reasons, but they are not, in retrospect, good reasons for missing my posts.  They tie in with my title today.  I taught Latin American history for a while, and there was an Inca Emperor named Pachacuteq, which means "he who shakes the earth".  As the Inca were invaded by the Spanish, pachacuti came to mean "the world turned upside down".  It referred to things being wrong and out of place, and that definitely describes my life over the past month give or take.

First:  I was under the assumption that seeking treatment for depression meant I would no longer have depressive episodes.  Nope, I was wrong.  I had a pretty major depressive episode over the past couple weeks, and have just in the past couple of days come out of it.  One of the things many of the people in my life don't understand is that when I have a depressive episode, I keep going.  I try to motor through it like a ship struggling through a storm instead of going around.  My depressive episodes don't really shut me down the way they do some people.  They do lead to other things ...

Second: I allowed myself to act like taking my pills for my diabetes was enough, and I didn't need to do anything else.  Diabetes requires a lifestyle change, and while I know that, and had been doing exactly that, during my depressive episode, I allowed myself to slip into some really bad habits food and exercise wise.  I stopped riding my exercise bike, I was eating ... alot.  It wasn't that I was eating necessarily unhealthy food, I was just eating a lot of it.  Even moderately healthy food causes weight gain if you eat too much of it.  Plus, not checking your blood sugar can lead to it going up because you aren't taking corrective action when it starts rising.

Third: I was just downright anti-social and embarrassed that I was gaining weight instead of losing.  'Nuff said.

So, that brings us to today.  I was up to 285.4 earlier this week, and this morning I am at 282.6.  I have over the past week, re-dedicated myself to riding my exercise bike on a regular basis, and I even got on the elliptical in the basement one day this week already.  I have kept a water bottle close at my side almost constantly, and I have started to more closely monitor my blood sugar.  Finally, I am exercising more portion control and cutting out the excessive eating.

Now all I have to do is stick with it while I am on Winter Break!

Mamavation Monday - Unplugging

Wow, 7:30pm on a Monday night and I am just now finding a few minutes to write this post. Life around here is crazy busy and it's not going to slow down until probably around the 18th or so. It's making me take a good long look at what's happening and what needs to give a bit so I can make sure what needs to happen does happen.

Sadly, I think that's going to be my playtime online. I've found that if I have twitter open, I'm far more likely to sit and chat than I am to get up and fight with that kitchen sink. So, until things settle down, expect to see a bit less of me. This just gives all of you with my number an excuse to call and text me. I do miss the calls and texts I used to get.

Anyway, life is chugging along. Today, I spent an hour plus in the pool with 5th graders and then went up and worked out. My body is a bit in awe. I've been slacking recently and today was a good reminder that I need to find the time for more workouts and less leftover holiday stuffing...or fresh that I just made up the other night. ;)

I do want to ask you guys for some extra support though over the next couple of weeks. I know that's going to be harder to give since I'm going to be online less,  but have no fear, I check email and my phone and facebook and...yeah, I'll still be around a lot. The reason I'm asking for support is pretty simple. My son, Ben, who so many of you have loved and supported, is having hamstring lengthening surgery next week. He's going to be in a lot of pain afterwards but we're hoping and praying that this will make his life a little easier in the long run. Keep us in your thoughts as we go through this.

I'm sorry this is so disjointed and chaotic but time is ticking and there's still so much to do!

Average Daily Water Intake: 30oz, give or take

Workouts:
Weight Change: 251.2 (-9.4 pounds)
Overall Weight Change: -40.4 pounds