I Need to Believe

I'm going to start this post out by asking for forgiveness. I know that you might find that strange, but I feel like I have so many things that I want to talk about and my brain is jumping from one to the other and back again so I cannot promise that this posting will be entirely smooth flowing.

Let's start out with the negative. It's always best to clear that out of the head so that you can move on. So, here's my negative...I feel like I'm losing a competition that in all reality doesn't even exist. I am a part of this amazing group of women and I see what they're doing and a part of my brain keeps saying, 'You're so far behind. Look what they're doing. They're meal planning and you're way back on just trying to be hydrated. There's no way you can be as awesome as they are.' Wow, huh? The things that we do to ourselves sometimes are so far worse than what anyone else can do.  None of these amazing women have ever made me feel less because I'm barely at the starting line. This is all entirely in my head and yeesh, it needs to go.

In other negativity news, I've just been a whirling bundle of emotions the latter half of this week. I can't really get into the details but trust me when I say that it's the kind of thing that can just sink a person. I desperately need to talk to a certain someone but as always, finding a time that works for both of us is proving difficult. I'm working hard on taking a deep breath and just continuing to move with life until that can happen. Being so emotional had totally led me to the path of emotional eating which completely and totally sucks. I need to not be sabotaging myself like that. It just turns into a hugely negative cycle and yeah...

Now, let's look at the positives..Did I mention that I'm a part of this amazing group of women? Watching them grow and learning from them is such a blessing in my life. I know that I'm not where they are, but they love me anyway and love, acceptance and support are so important. Who knew when I started my weight loss journey that I would get to know and love such amazing women from all over? Someone must have because we've all come together and it could only be because we're meant to be.

Warning...brain jump ahead...

I don't have a number for this post. I know that I said I would, but I had to reschedule my doctor's appointment because I had a sick kiddo. It's now scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. As much as I hate to weigh myself outside, I think I've decided to put my scale by my front porch and weigh myself on the front deck. It's probably not totally level, but it's also probably going to be more accurate than anywhere in the house. I have an end goal number in mind and I need the accountability of the scale. It won't be a daily weigh in, but a weekly one.

I also haven't quite figured out the whole working out thing yet. Now that the boys are back in school, I won't be going to anymore wrestling practices so that rules out walking the hallways. The bonus is that the new season of Biggest Loser just started. While I don't always agree with how they do it or anything like that, watching people shed the pounds is motivational to me. Two seasons ago, before everything fell apart, I started walking during the show. I think that I'm going to start doing that again. Any physical activity is better than no activity.

Speaking of bits of activity, I've also started bathroom push ups again. I know what you're thinking..what the heck is she talking about? Back when I was very serious about losing weight and was actually dropping pounds, I used to do push ups in my bathroom every time I went in to use it. I would close the door and do as many wall push ups as my arms could stand. I'm happy to say that since I'm drinking more water again, I've done 45 push ups tonight. Yes, they're against the wall but who cares? My arms are feeling it and that means the muscles are working. Working muscles are good muscles.

And...I guess that's my very disjointed check in. I'm struggling but I'm still moving. I just need to tell myself and to believe that I can do this. I can drop the 138 pounds that I want to drop. I have to believe in me and right now, that's my biggest struggle. My head is saying no, you can't..well brain, actions speak louder than words and one tiny step at a time, I will do this. I can do this.

Starting Weight: 288 lbs
Weekly Weight:  -----
Amount Lost/Gained: -----
New Weight: -----
Workouts: Wall Push Ups
Average Daily Water Intake: 60 oz (Yep, I did it!)

Thing 1 and Thing 2

Day 1 of the get my butt in gear challenge has begun. Ok, it's not really a challenge and has little to nothing to do with my butt, but it sounded good, right?

Tomorrow is my first official weigh in. I don't know how often those weigh ins will occur because while I have a perfectly good scale, I have a perfectly rotten house for weighing in. It has carpet in every room and the floors aren't level. Since I don't want false yays or boos, I have to figure out how to work around this challenge. The easiest way would be to weigh in at the doctor's office, but since I don't intend on being continually ill, that's not going to work for more than my first weigh in. So, tomorrow I go to the doctor's for my post surgery appointment. It honestly should have happened at least a week ago, but with sick us, I had to reschedule it. I'm fairly certain that he'll give me clearance to start working out again and basically wave his magic doctor's wand and say be gone. I can't really see why he'd need further follow up with me.

Right. So that turned into a small tangent. I am totally in oooh shiney syndrome mode today. Let's see if I can get myself back on target. What I was going to say when I started writing this post is that two things are going to happen today and I want to tell all of you because we all know that putting it on the internet makes it true, right?

Thing 1: Water. I have completely and totally slacked off when it comes to staying hydrated. As someone who is pretty much chronically dehydrated, it's even more important that I jump back on this one. I know that some people can immediately just start drinking 100oz or more a day, but I'm not one of them. However, I do have my pretty pink water bottle and a rubber band. The bottle has notches in it and for each bottle I drink, I'll move the band up one notch (yes, this is my own high tech invention). For the rest of this week and the weekend, my goal is only 3 notches a day. If I babystep my way into these changes, they're far more likely to stick.

Thing 2: Wrestling practice is boring. Seriously. It is the least interesting practice to watch short of tennis, maybe. However, I noticed last night that there are multiple people who go up and run laps in the halls during practice. While I am by no means ready to start running, there's nothing that says I can't start walking right? After all, Tony says that he started with a minute on the treadmill. If he can start at one minute, maybe I can start with one lap. So tonight, I'm wearing my sneakers to practice and I'll do that one lap. Who knows, I might even go for 2!

PS I've made an new healthy journey friend...stop on over and say hi if you get the chance. Support is so key!

2013...A Year About Me

So, it's been a while, huh? It's been a while because well ...I haven't really been focused on much more than health survival for the past few months, it seems. First, it was bronchitis at the start of October. That lasted darn near a month. I just got better from that and then it was mental health survival time as I was personally and publicly attacked due to my close friendship with someone. I won't go into more detail than that. No handing power away as they say. Then came Thanksgiving and immediately after, I wasn't feeling good so I drove myself 30 minutes to the ER just to find out that I had gallstones! Fast forward two weeks and the gall bladder was gone! Just when I thought I was on the road to good health, I came down with stomach flu! Seriously! Here's to a healthier 2013!

Now, a few years ago, I gave up on resolutions and decided to go with words or concepts to work towards in the upcoming year. For the past two years, my word was simplicity. This year, it is still going to be simplicity but I'm adding in simplicity in all things. That's right. You guessed it. That includes things such as diet and exercise. Let's face it. Gyms are nice but not all of us live near one or can afford a membership. Let's also face it. I don't need a gym. Treadmills are awesome but I have a perfectly good road right outside my door.

So, other than hoping to snag some pool time, chances are you won't be seeing me at a gym this year. I have all of the tools that I need right here at home. I have half a dozen workout/yoga/walking dvds. I have fantastic workouts that were put together when I was still a part of Mamavation. These work. I know that they work because they were working for me before.

As for diet, I'm getting back into the kitchen. No, my kitchen still isn't perfect and I still don't have a working sink, but look at it this way...carrying dishes to the bathtub and back is extra steps. Twisting to put the clean dishes up on the towel rack to dry is like stretching. It's a mini workout in itself. My pedometer finally has a new battery so hopefully I should be getting that back on and keeping track of those numbers.

Do y'all remember my little thing that used to go on the bottom of my posts? Where I kept track of number of workouts, average amount of water drank and pounds lost (or gained)? It's coming back. It was a good visual reminder of where I needed to go and where I had been.

Now, for the question that I'm sure is on some of your minds...how many pounds in 2013? I'm not setting that number. You see, it's about being healthy and getting healthy. Yes, I have weight to lose. Yes, I have a lot of weight to lose. Do I have an overall goal? Sure I do. Am I going to pressure myself and stress myself about achieving it in a set amount of time? Heck no.

So what am I waiting for? Medical clearance. I have my post surgery follow up on Friday where I'm sure that I'm going to get the all clear. Once I have that, it's back to the lunges, sit ups and squats. The bigger question is...Who will join me on this journey?

I've never done this, but if you need a place to journal about your journey, let me know. I'm going to be opening the site up for those who need a place for support and to write about their healthy lifestyle changes and journeys.

Here's to 2013...the year of healthier and happier people!

PS If you're looking for those numbers, they'll start with the next post after I get an official (fully clothed with shoes)weigh in at the doctor's office on Friday.

My Final Mamavation Monday Post

Sometimes in life you hold onto things because you want them to be the way they were. You figure that if you hold on long enough, everything will go back to being ok.  Then one day, something happens and you wake up and realize that's just not the reality of life. Sometimes in life, you have to move on. It's not necessarily because you don't care anymore. Sometimes it's because things have changed and they can never go back to being what they were.

Sadly, today is one of those days. Today, I am officially leaving the Mamavation group. When I first joined the group, nearly 2 years ago, it was a smaller group and everyone was really supportive of one another. It really was like a band of sisters working together to help each other get healthier and to lose weight. Over time, as the group grew, that support dwindled off. It may have been because the group got too big for us to be there for one another like we were previously. It may be because life knocked a few of the most supportive on our asses and we were fighting to be ok ourselves and didn't have the energy to be there like we had been. It could have been any number of things or a combination of a lot of things.

What matters is that the group changed. The dynamic changed. When my life fell apart, I turned to the leadership of this group and their response was pretty much, "Well good luck with that." This wasn't the reaction I was expecting, not from the people who I not only looked up to but thought were my friends. However, I took a deep breath and told myself, 'Ok, what you're dealing with is hard for people to know what to say. Maybe it's not a lack of support, but a lack of knowing how to help.'

When things started to balance back out, I eased my way back into the group. What I picked up on was a tension that hadn't been there before. Not only tension but pressure. I'll be honest and say that I considered not rejoining but some women were there that I dearly love and wanted to help support. Even after today, a few of those women will still be there and I hope that they realize that I am still their friend and still want to support them, but the group just isn't for me anymore.

Today, I was unfriended and blocked by the woman who owns and runs the group. There was no reason for it. I hadn't posted anything to her wall or publicly posted anything negative regarding her or the group. What I did do was post on a private group that she is not a part of that I hadn't felt the support that I needed within the Mamavation group. I am dismayed that someone took the time and effort to copy and paste a private groups conversation and sent it off to someone not within the group. However, I am even more dismayed that the group who has made it their official policy* that if there is an issue with leadership, they are required to go and try to talk to that person, has a leader who unfriended and blocked me without any explanation or conversation with me regarding this. Hypocrisy sucks.

Now, before anyone calls me out for not running to leadership whining that people weren't supporting me, let me make this clear. My issues originally weren't with leadership. Heck, for a while, I was a part of leadership. It wasn't until I stopped busting my butt because my butt was needed elsewhere that I started seeing the flaws. They weren't 100% the fault of leadership and I felt that leadership was doing their best with a rapidly growing group. Plus, let's face it. There were other places to get support..namely within myself because at the end of the day, the person I'm doing this for is me and not any group.

This week would have marked my first appearance back at Mamavation tv. I was going to dive back into the group and support as many as I could and work harder at being healthier. Then, this happened. Sadly, I cannot be a member of a group whose leader has rejected me for doing absolutely nothing wrong. So, this is it. My official farewell to Mamavation. I didn't want to go but I've been forced out. It makes me sad to know that I will no longer be a part of a group that had such amazing potential. However, I walk away knowing that I will remain friends with the true friends that I made within the group. I also walk away knowing that there will be those who unfriend me, block me and/or never speak to me again once I hit post on this.

So, for those of you who have been there on my very winding and bumpy journey, thank you. I hope that you will continue to stop in and say hi and leave your words of encouragement. If you would like me to stop by your site, just let me know and I'll add you to our friends of the site section so that I have a reminder. I'm not going to stop caring about anyone simply because I'm leaving the group.

This also doesn't mean that I'm going to stop trying to be healthier. It's no great secret that I've more than fallen off the horse. I fell off the horse and got run over by the hay wagon it was hauling. It's ok though. Each day is a new day and a new opportunity and I know that I can do this if I really want it. So, I'll be here and I'll be posting. It might not be every week or only on Mondays, but I'm not quitting and I hope that those of you who do read here won't quit on me either.

*When you join the group, they have you sign a contract agreeing to this. I never signed it.

Mamavation Monday: A Change in Habits

Another couple of weeks have gone by and I haven't stopped in to say hi. I could have. I should have. I have no excuse. Last week I sat here staring at the screen and I had no idea what to say. Something happened in my life that stopped me in my tracks. I won't go into detail here simply because posting about it publicly gives someone power who doesn't deserve it. They have no power over me. Their words are just that. They're words and I am stronger than that. So, I sat quiet and I grew stronger and I came through the other side and now I'm here again. 

I've had this graphic  for a while now and from time to time, I pull it out to remind me that no matter what anyone has ever said about me, I am the one who is the creator of me. Nobody gets to make me into anything. Not anymore. I am stronger than that. My weight seems to have become an issue for folks lately. I can count at least three times within the past two weeks where someone has mentioned it. The first time was to be cruel. The second was as a character description in a story and the most recent was to use me as a comparison to someone else. In the past, this would have crushed me. I'm stronger than that though. My weight can change. It can change but I have to make the changes. Nobody can do them for me. This is my body and my life and I can do this. 

I am lucky enough to know that I'm not alone out there in making these changes. Through Mamavation and other avenues in my life, I have met people who have lost huge amounts of weight, people who are trying to lose weight and people who are all over their paths to weight loss and healthier lives. 

One of those people, I met via my "day job" as a comic book reviewer. Sometimes you find people in what feels like the most unlikely of places and you become friends. I'm lucky enough that I get to call Keith Thomas a friend. I'm also lucky enough that he's allowing me to share this excerpt from his upcoming book. When I read it, I grinned because this is just so him. I also related to this post (does that make me a lesbian, Keith? or at least bi?) and knew that so many of you would as well. Remember though, you are in charge of your life and your choices. Wendy is a big girl (no pun intended) and can take care of herself. It's your job to take care of yourself.

Dear Wendy, 

We have known each other for many years but it has recently come to my attention in light of my recent pursuit of a better me, that our relationship has never truly been mutually beneficial. I have tried to fill the emptiness of my life with your tasty charms and chocolaty frosty wiles. In the end, all you've really done is taken my money and left me with potential heart aches such 

as cholesterol and weight.

My dependency upon you has spilled over and beyond, for in times that you were not near me, I satisfied myself by visiting the King, the Colonel and sometimes even that Clown down the street. This has brought my attention to the fact that you are not a love, dear Wendy, but an addiction. One that must be let go of and cast aside. You will tempt me no more with your delicious juiciness nor your cheesy smile you little harlot. Even though you encompass the three defining traits I love most in women, you are always available, cheap and easy, we are through.

Don't cry little girl, it's not you, it's me. I know that sounds cliche and maybe even childish but it's true. At first you may miss me, but with a population obesity rate of about 70%, you will find another like me soon.

Your former slave,
Keith

(A small excerpt from my forthcoming book about how I've changed my life, The Vanishing Elephant. There is no ETA at this time for the book's completion as it is a work in progress.)

If you're friends with Keith, you've seen some pretty humorous back and forth retorts between Wendy and Keith. I think that the poor girl really is going to miss him. Just remember though..that when it comes to your diet the slogan Have It Your Way doesn't mean you have to hit a drive through on your way home. Your way can be whatever you want for it to be.

Mamavation Monday : Eek!

Eek! I'm a day late posting this. I wish that I had some brilliant reason...actually, I do have a reason. The police. Yep. The police are why I didn't have this up yesterday. What happened you ask? Well, let me tell you.

On Saturday night, after Roger's last football game, I was driving home with Ben. We decided to stop at the gas station to get a drink. I pulled in, up against the giant dumpster, turned off the van, look in the rear view mirror and I'm pinned in by a big 'ol police suv with all of its lights a flashin'. I waited. Nobody got out. Finally, I got out and went to the sidewalk. The policeman asked if I knew my headlight was out. Umm..nope, sure didn't but I appreciate knowing. Hand him my information. Crud. My insurance card expired on my birthday. One warning and one ticket later...yep, I spent yesterday getting the headlight repaired ($14.87), new ink for my printer ($15) and then coming home and printing out my proof of insurance. Really, I'm lucky. This oops cost me $30 and this afternoon, the ticket will be thrown out. Dramatic, no?

So here I am on Tuesday and still posting. I don't really have anything brilliant for you, other than that comic up there. I was looking for something to do with walking and found that. It cracks me up and hopefully it does you too. Plus, since I'm just getting over bronchitis it felt appropriate.

Ok...so none of this has a lick to do with weight loss or even really any sort of genius post, but you know what? That's just fine and dandy. It's just a bit of me talking to all of you and saying hi and how are ya and I hope things are swell. I kind of have to go now though. I'm going to Austin this weekend and I still have laundry to do, posts to write, a ticket to get thrown out...oooh..and here we go, weight loss related... a pedometer to get a new battery in! That's right. I'm curious how much walking I actually do at a con. My feet say miles. I'll fill you in next week once I'm home again. I warn you though..I'm not flying back until Monday so it will probably be another Tuesday posting.

Have fantastical magical supernominal weeks and get those steps in!

Mamavation Monday : Farmville

The one thing that spending hours on the road driving gives you is plenty of time to think. Without fail, if I have any kind of trip going on where I'm spending an entire day travelling, my mind drifts into thinking about Farmville.

I know what you're thinking. Of all of the things I could think about, my brain chooses to think about a meaningless Facebook game. My question to you though, is it really meaningless?

Let's stop and think about this game. In the basest of senses, it's just a way to waste time that we could spend doing other things. However, let's take things up a notch. What does the average farmer do on a stop in this game?

1. He plants and harvests crops in the hopes of completing missions or obtaining a part that he needs.
2. He travels from farm to farm. I believe, with the inclusion of Haunted Hollow, that there are now 6 different areas.
3. He travels to his friends farms and helps them out.
4. He works hard in the hopes of improving his own farm.
5. He relocates and reorganizes things in the hopes of fitting just one more thing into the space he has.

When I look at the game (and yes, I do play it), I sometimes actually wish I were more like my little farmer girl. She goes in and does what she needs to do and then she moves on. Over the course of playing this game, I've developed a system to get everything done and then exit the game. So, my little farmer girl is efficient.

Not only is she efficient, but she's worked for everything that she has in the game. She works hard planting thousands of crops and she always has a smile on her face. Her life isn't easy but she never gives up and she never loses her optimistic grin. She's always willing to help people out. She may not even know them but if they need something that she can give, she jumps right in.

Yes, I want to be more like her and the reality is that we can all be more like her. We may not be planting crops, but every day we sow seeds. When we smile, we're sowing the seeds of joy and happiness. Very few of us sit at home all day long. We're a society of movers and travelers and when we go, we take those seeds with us. How many of us have discovered that a simple smile can change someone's day?

I know that I've had more than one waitress, check out person or just person I've bumped into thank me for having a smile and a kind word or two for them. Positivity can change lives. So can hard work. My little farmer girl busts her tush from the moment I load the game to the moment that I head back to my Facebook feed. She plants and harvests and feeds animals and does what she needs to do to grow her farm. I'm pretty sure that she looks upon every land expansion as a reward for what she's done.

Hard work isn't a foreign concept to most of us. Yes, there are people out there who have had everything handed to them and there are some people who have had nothing handed to them. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle of that range, but we've learned that if we want a newer car or a nicer house, we're going to have to work for those things. Heck, how many of us have woken up in the morning and thought, "Man, can't the house clean itself today?" Wishes are nice, but they're not going to get us anywhere near what we can do if we work at it.

Let's face it. Our homes didn't get messy, our bodies didn't get chunky and our brains didn't get filled with negative thoughts overnight. The opposite isn't going to happen overnight either. Don't get me wrong. I would absolutely love to wake up one morning to a television show level of clean (think any kitchen you see on Food Network), a size 12 (yes, I'm a realist.) wardrobe that fit like a dream and depression banished forever. It's just not going to happen. If I want those things, I have to get up each morning ready to work for them. It won't happen overnight. In the case of my weight, it will probably take years. In the case of my home, to get it how I want it might take the next year. As for the mental attitude, there will be days when it comes easy and days when my brain chemicals are threatening to drive me insane.

However, just like my little farmer girl, I can do this and so can you. Know that you can do this. If it's important to you, you will make the time and the effort and you can get it done. It's when it's not that important that we make excuses. So, decide today what it is that you want to do with your life and just do it. So what if it takes days, weeks, months or even years. What matters is that you're doing it, one step at a time. Have faith in yourself and before you know it, you'll be just like our little farmer girl, happily setting an upgraded life up on her property.