Mamavation Monday : Voices in My Head

It's Monday and we're back from vacation! I love our annual camping trip. Justin flies in and all four of us drive up North and just spend the time together. For the most part, we lock out the outside world and just enjoy being our little family.

This year, we went up to Wilderness State Park. For those not familiar, it's about 11 miles West of Mackinaw City, Michigan. Just for the fun of it, we took the long way and stopped off at a little ice cream shop in Benzonia. It had been suggested to me by a friend. I didn't know that it was actually her family that owned it, but let me tell you, that single scoop of ice cream was the most yummy thing! If you're ever in that area, I can completely and totally recommend stopping by Hill Top Soda Shoppe. They make all of their ice cream and use beet sugar instead of corn syrup.

All in all, it was such a wonderful trip and all of the driving gave me plenty of opportunity to think. Driving led to this picture and this picture led to me having a serious think.

One of my biggest issues, in life, are the voices inside my head.  We all have them. They're those voices that tell you that you can't do something, that something is impossible, that you're just not good enough and all of those negative thoughts that just stop you in your tracks.

We all have them but we can also all choose to ignore them. We don't have to give them free space in our heads. When I first saw this building, I couldn't help but laugh. I'm sure that was the intention of the sign. However, once I stopped giggling, I started thinking. Those voices are a lot like what we put into an outhouse. To put it in a polite sense, they stink. They're the waste that our bodies (and souls) don't need.

Having the thoughts is normal. What we do with them is what matters. We can rent them space for cheap and before we know it, they take over everything. They're bacteria, they're viruses, they're cancer in our bodies. Or we can acknowledge them and then dispose of them. We can flush them out of our systems by putting in healthy thoughts. In the end, the decision is up to you. Do you live your life in a smelly, cramped space or do you do what you have to do and then open that door and step out into the sunshine?

Mamavation Monday: Exciting Life

My thanks to savagechickens.com for this comic!

Life has been never ending busy around here and for the most part, I haven't minded it. I'm still very much a creature of habit and so having the youngest start football has thrown me completely off, but for the most part, we're managing and we're getting things done.

It got me to thinking though. I've had people, who have heard excerpts of my life say to me, "Wow, your life sounds like it's so much fun and so exciting." It always throws me for a loop because I don't really think my life is all that exciting. It's just...well...my life.

So, I started thinking. Why would people, who don't know me, find my life so exciting? Then it hit me. Editing. Those people only heard small pieces of my life. Quite often, the discussion was revolving around some trip I had just taken or some comic related event I was just returning from. To them, I was shoulder to shoulder with comic book genius and I was flying off to all of these events, quite often with a media badge. I was some sort of celebrity myself.

While this makes me feel pretty dang good, the reality is that I'm just like anybody else. Due to "editing", they didn't hear about how it takes me weeks or sometimes months to prepare to attend one of these events. They didn't hear about the anxious insecurity involved in applying for one of those shiny badges. They didn't hear about the nights alone in the hotel rooms while others are off having fun because I'm attending alone.

Folks, just because something looks glamorous from the outside that doesn't mean that it always is. In the same fashion, just because someone's life looks perfect from the outside that doesn't mean it is. There are a lot of people on this planet who are very good at editing. I've had people say to me, when did depression become an issue for you? I've never seen it. Again, my answer is editing. When you mostly deal with people via online or text based forms of communication, editing is easy. It's the real world that's harder.

So, just remember. When someone looks like they have it all, maybe they do..or maybe, they're just really good at editing. Love the life you're in and not someone else's. After all, maybe they're looking at you in the same way that you're looking at them.

Mamavation Monday: Phoenix

Two days ago, I had something brilliant to write about here and of course, a kiddo started not feeling well so I never made it over here to write. Really though, that's ok because I want to tell y'all about my trip to Phoenix. Is it weight loss related? Nope. Could I tie it in if I tried really hard? Of course. If you try really hard, you can tie any two things together.

So, what to say about Phoenix? Phoenix was fantastic. Some of you know how I feel about that city, some of you don't. Let's just say we have a long and complicated relationship. I had publicly stated that if I cried sad tears while on this trip, I was never going back. I honestly can't say that I didn't cry this trip, but it was short lived and not caused by anyone or anything. I was just having a moment. I let myself have it and then I picked myself up and I moved on. Honestly, yay me because in the past, I might not have been able to do that.

Ok, I'm going to be honest here. This post is just stuck. I had planned on filling y'all in on what I did, etc but it's just not feeling right to me at this precise moment. I feel like there's something I should be writing about but I'm not even sure what it is. It may be about the fact that I bought a puppy when I was in Phoenix. It started out as a joke when I posted that my friend's cat was trying to go home with me but she needed to stay because he needed a female watching over him. His response was that he'd get a dog..I said yay puppy shopping and less than 24 hours later, he had a new puppy. Technically, we co-own her. I bought her and he takes care of her. It's a nice arrangement for someone who can't have a dog at the moment and for someone who wanted a dog.

Here's the thing though..I am filled with frustration over this sweet puppy. Why? Because we've owned her a week and she still doesn't have a name. I know you're all shaking your head in total disbelief, but it's true. I started trying to name her the night before we picked her up, (We had gone and seen her at the shelter the night before we adopted her.) but Eric said we had to wait until we were sure we were bringing her home. Fast forward through an entire week of me and others suggesting names....

There was Kayleigh, Lily, Ebony, Peanut and probably a dozen others that I've forgotten since then. At least twice I thought we had settled on a name. Once it was Kayleigh (which he insists on spelling Kaylee) and once it was Lily. Today, she still doesn't have a name. I swear that Eric is waiting for her to scratch it out in the sand or something.

As for me, I consider this like naming a child. I didn't wait for my children to start to talk so they could tell me what they wanted to be named. I/we gave them names and they've grown up with them. When they were infants, they didn't immediately respond to it but as they grew, they learned their names and responded to them. Just like them, this puppy will learn to respond to whatever name is settled upon.

How do all of you feel? Do our pets name themselves or do they learn to respond to whatever name we give them? How have you named your pets? Did you just choose a name or did you wait to see which name they responded best to? Help us out before I have to take an emergency trip back to Phoenix to sort this out!*

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Yep, this post turned into a vent and maybe that's good for my health and well being. ;) Hopefully, I'll come back next week with not only a name announcement but something relevant to weight loss and health. ;)

*Please note that I most likely cannot return to Phoenix until November, at which point, I would be far happier doing other things than calling the poor girl nameless puppy #1.

Mamavation Monday: The Side Effect of Camping

So, I think I told y'all that I was going camping last week. We went and it was fantastic! I was nervous before we went because it'd be the first time for just the three of us. Seriously though, it went awesome. The boys and I had a great time just hanging out, talking, reading and playing cards. Each of the boys got to be in charge of the fire one night and they both cooked their own food. It was fantastic seeing them gain confidence. A year ago, they wouldn't have done anything like that.

There was one side effect though. I actually ate three meals a day. Those of you who have been following along for a while know that this is a big deal. For a while, I went days sometimes without eating. Over time, I've been working on eating again. When we went camping, I had a meal plan and we ate three meals a day, nearly every day. I think one day we skipped lunch because we got a late start.

Now that I'm home, I'm discovering that my body is going huh..that was a good idea. Yay! I still have my moments where I don't want to eat, but they're slowly becoming fewer and further between. On top of that, today I started to clean up/clear out the space where I used to workout. When life became overwhelming, I let that space fall into chaos as well. It's not quite ready for me to get back to work, but it's about halfway there.

Of course, now that things are falling back into place, I'll be leaving home for about 10 days. Yep, that's right. Starting this Friday, I'll be in Phoenix for 10 days! I'm a little bit nervous and a whole lot excited. Instead of rushing places, I'm going to get a chance to sit and just relax with friends. Honestly, I don't do this very often. This is the first time, other than when I go to Canada, that I'll be taking time with friends just for me. It's going to be awesome.

So, my friends, if I'm not here next week...you'll know why! I don't think I'm going to have an internet connection much, if at all, while I'm gone so I probably won't be able to post. However, when I get back, expect a new post and maybe..just maybe...some pictures. I know some of you have been waiting to see the pictures from back in May and rumor has it, they've had to be passed on to a second editor. I'm told that's because of my day glow sunburn and not because I looked wretched. I had considered doing another small shoot when I go out there but we haven't managed to work anything out. Who knows, maybe he'll get a new toy and he'll use me as his guinea pig again.

Until I return...have a great week!

Mamavation Monday : Life's a Happy Song

This song will always have meaning to me. It could be because my best friend's name is Walter or that I took my boys to go see the movie it's in and so began their love of The Muppets. It could be any number of things, but at the end of the day, I love this song.

The other night, I was talking to Walter. We were talking about comic book reviews. You see, Walter is an inker in the industry. He's just starting out but already he's done a few books. Back when we were together in Phoenix, he signed one of his books to me :

"To Katrina,
The awesome of awesome. Let life always be a happy song."

I don't know if he knew how much that meant to me or not, but I mentioned the lyrics to this song the other night..Life's a happy song and he pointed out that there's a clause/a caveat on that line..with someone by your side.  It suddenly occurred to me one of the things that has changed for me lately. I no longer see myself as alone in this world.

I told him how that line doesn't have to mean a life partner or anything romantic at all. He's part of what makes my life a happy song. So are my kids and the amazing friends and people that I have surrounded myself with.

It's taken me a long time to realize that the person I need most is me, but that those that walk right along side me are the harmony. They're the rests when I need a break or the fun and silly runs when I need that. Life isn't always easy but it's always a blend of a lot of different notes.

Mamavation Monday : Taking Ownership

Only I hold the key to my life.

Do you ever feel as if you have no idea who you are anymore? That's where I've been for the past month or so. When my grandma died, I felt as if one of the very last things holding me to this planet was gone. I wrote last week about my depression and this week might be a branch off of that.

You see, I sat here in tears one night and all I could think was who am I? Almost all my life, I've lived under titles. I was Millie's granddaughter, Peter's wife (or ex-wife), Ben and Roger's mom, but who was I under all of that? I realized that I honestly didn't know. I knew that if I asked those closest to me, I would get a laundry list of adjectives. People would say that I was kind, loyal, funny, smart and a variety of other things. The thing is, that's what people saw me as. Who was I? Who am I?

This led to my 28 days of all about me decision. When I started this part of my journey, I had 28 days left until I went to Phoenix to visit friends. I made the decision and a public declaration (Ok, it was on Facebook.) that for the next 28 days, I wasn't going to take on a single outside project. I would be there for my friends, but to please not approach me asking me for help with anything that would be more than a conversation. For this time period, I would only be doing things for me, my children or our home.

It's been 10 days since I made that decision and in 10 days, I haven't lifted a finger for anyone else. I hope that this doesn't sound selfish but this is really what I needed and those who love me, understand. They know I'm only a phone call, text or im away but for now, I'm not volunteering my time. Do you know what I discovered? When I'm not living my life for everyone else, there is suddenly time for things like cleaning and laundry. There is time for me to read review copies and write my posts. I discovered that I really do love to learn and so I started studying Irish again. Not only that, but I'm reading an autobiography.

Do you know what else I've done? I've stood up for myself. It made me laugh when two of my friends actually cheered for me when I did this, but suddenly I realized how much I've let my fear of being alone affect how I sometimes allow people to treat me. So, the other night when someone implied that I was a bad person or more accurately that I was doing something morally wrong with my life, I reacted differently. I will admit that for a couple of hours I felt really bad, but then something happened. I got angry. I got angry and I said no. I am not a bad person. I am smart and kind and nice and a good person. I got angry and I said that if people honestly couldn't handle how I live my life, they can choose to not be a part of my life. I stood up for me.

This is good. This is me discovering that deep down, I honestly believe that I'm worthy of being treated right. I'm worthy of being treated right not only by those that I allow in my life (discovery moment: I get to choose!) but also by myself. A friend joked a couple of weeks ago about getting me drunk and having I Am Important tattoed on my forehead. I said you'd add the words to others in there, right? He said no because it's more important that you be important to yourself. He's right. I need to matter to me. So, as another friend told me..This is more than a path of self-discovery. This is you learning to take ownership of your own life.

Mamavation Monday: Support

Wow. According to the clicker, which knows these things, I haven't posted here in a month. I seriously didn't think it had been that long. I guess life came along, scooped me up and before I knew it, time had flown by.  It's late in the day for a Mamavation post but here I am anyway because it's never too late to get, ask for or offer support.

Over the past couple of weeks, some people may have noticed that I haven't been my usual sunshiney self. I was having a really hard time finding the good in most anything and that's really not like me. It wasn't until one of my children asked me why it was that I no longer came downstairs that it clicked with me. While I had been fooling myself that I was happy on the outside, on the inside, I had fallen into the dark arms of depression. I was doing the minimum for getting through each day.

Thank goodness for kids who don't even realize what they're saying sometimes. It was that wake up call that said woah, hang on here. What are you doing? It was that wake up call that led me to reaching out to some of my closest friends and it was knowing that they were out there if I ever needed anyone that helped lead me back into the sunshiney place. It was a really rough week though and it led me to do some looking at myself and figuring out how I can help me and be a better mom to my boys.

For those that don't know, I'm headed back to Phoenix in a mere 26 days. Phoenix is a city that has chewed me up and spit me out more than once and yet, I keep going back. This trip..well, I'm hoping that the 3rd time is the charm and I don't come home in tears again. The purpose of the trip is no more than a vacation. Yep, that's right. For the first time ever, I'm going on vacation all by myself. Eric, who some of you may remember as "my" photographer and one of my closest friends, has agreed to put up with me for a week. This is going to be good for me. Eric will take care of me. If nothing else, he will ensure that I eat. Eating is still a struggle for me but it's one that I'm working on and Eric won't take excuses for why I'm not eating.

Plus, Eric is Mr Popularity. The man is everything socially I never have been..or maybe what I've never allowed myself to be. He's part of the contingent that tells me how much people love me so he might back me in believing that socially perhaps it's been me that's held me back. After all, how can people invite me to do things if they don't know that I exist out here in the middle of nowhere? It might be time to start easing back into circulation. Anyway, the point of me saying he was all popular was the thought that I don't see him letting me just sit in my comfort zone while I'm there. I highly suspect, if we can get transportation, that he'll have me out and about doing things.

Both of those things will be a great help to my mentality and my mindset. Lately, I've been thinking that I need to get back into getting healthy. It's one of those things that when I fall into a depression falls by the way side and it becomes a vicious cycle. However, I did it before and I can do it again. While I've gained back some of the weight that I lost, I haven't by any means gained back all of it. I started out this journey at the low end of a 28 and I'm still a 24. I have the tools and I have the support. I just have to reach out and ask for it.

I have been so amazingly blessed in my life, especially over the past 6 months or so. I've made some incredible friends who hold me up when I'm down and celebrate my successes with me when they come along. They've encouraged me in my writing and they've spent hours listening to me when I just needed an ear. They're helping me get over my fears. I'm a very lucky girl and I can do anything. I just have to believe in myself to try. After all, I didn't become a reviewer by waiting for people to come to me. I had to open the door and go to the people. I won't get anywhere waiting for life to happen to me. I have to make life happen and with the support and love of my friends, I can do that. I don't have to live in a cave..not when there's a whole shiney world out there waiting for me..and y'all know how much I love shinies.