Monday, April 4, 2011

Mamavation Monday - Out of Control

Happy Monday, world. This is not going to be an easy post to write. I'm about to open myself up in a way that maybe I haven't before. I hope that you'll stick with me until the end.

I realized something last night. I've been out of control and probably a little bit in denial about it. It's not just my weight loss. It's pretty much run over into every area of my life.

My house is a disaster. I've joked that if someone came in, they'd say it ought to be condemned or that I ought to be on an episode of Hoarders. This is an exaggeration, of course. It's not like I have things in piles above my head or even up to my knees. However, the place is a total disaster. There isn't a clean dish (or not many) in the house. Things have been thrown everywhere.

As for my weight loss, it's not a loss. I gained another 2.2 pounds this week. That means I'm only 3.8 pounds under where I started. I've spent the last week in denial as I let the old habits creep back in. I stopped eating breakfast. I did wall pushups but not enough to prevent a loss. I ate pretty much whatever I wanted. I totally sabotaged myself.

The thing is....and this is the hard part of this....I know why I did this. Two weeks ago, my heart was badly broken. Even though chances are I didn't really do anything to cause this (it was an issue of circumstances), psychologically I went into what I dub scared little girl mode. I shut down. Inside my head, I heard don't lose the weight. Stay fat. Nobody wants a fat girl and you'll be safe. Nobody will hurt you like that again. He's losing huge amounts of weight. He's popular and someday he'll be famous. Of course he didn't want you.

I heard it and I listened to it. Then you add in the knee injury and I wallowed in it. I had every excuse for why I couldn't do things. My weight loss cheerleaders weren't around much this past week and I didn't realize how bad I'd gotten until one of them texted me to apologize for that. My response was it's ok. I haven't done much to cheer for. Umm..wow.

On one hand it was the honest to god's truth. On the other, just how bad am I feeling about myself that without thinking that's my response? So, here I am. Essentially, I'm starting over again and I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to get past this knowledge that losing the weight might open me up to more pain. I'm also scared that I've lost this person forever. You see, he was possibly my best friend before all of this happened and I want that back. Honestly, looking back, we made much better friends than we might have made anything else and I can't live in what might have been. However, I can desperately miss one of my number one cheerleaders and friends.

I don't know if this post is different than any of my other posts. I know that usually I'm upbeat and positive and that is part of me. However, that's not where I am today. Today I realize just how bad things are. I've realized that my mental and psychological state over the past two weeks (and over a good portion of my life) is tapping me on the shoulder saying hey, you need to deal with me too. The diet and exercise is great but you have to deal with the abuse of your past before you can truly move on.

So, this is me...raw and a little more open...and wanting to move on.

Average Water Intake: 56oz
Workouts: 40 or so wall pushups a day
Weight Change: +2.2 (up to 288 again)
Overall Weight Change: -3.8 pounds

7 comments:

Homemom3

I have no words of wisdom as I know when one has heartbreak they either hit the food or the treadmill. I did that in the beginning, not sure if you have one or weights. You may want to try taking your frustration out on those. I remember getting on the treadmill and walking it for a good (fast) 45 minutes just because I was mad. If I thought of food I went to the treadmill. I am so sorry you are going through this, I know how much a broken heart feels. Wish I could just lean through the computer and give you a big hug. Either way, you said you are starting over. Lets do this together. I'm here.

Mi

I don't know where to start, because I've been through all of this before. It's kind of how I started down the slippery slope to where I am fighting out of now.

Just take care of yourself and your sweet boys right now. Eat correctly because starving/overfeeding yourself isn't going to kill the pain...and I know, because I've tried.

Big hugs to you, and just remember that we're all here for you!!

Mia Cupcake

And of course by "Mi", I mean MIA CUPCAKE. Stupid autofill.

Heather @ Not a DIY Life

Sending you lots of hugs!

Is there a way that you can turned "scared little girl mode" into "warrior princess mode?" What I mean is, can you turn that sadness into motivation to get active and move more? It might take some retraining of the brain, but if you can change your reaction to the sad feelings, it will helpful. Strap on those sneakers, go for a walk, even walk in place indoors if you have to. Retrain the brain.

Believing in you!

smallworldbiggirl

I have half a mind to get in the car right now and drive just to give you a big ole hug. (stupid job, bills and adult responsibilities.)But really, I don't know if I can wait until May to meet you and give you a big hug.

YOU are worth getting healthy for. Yes, you are!Don't you dare roll your eyes at the screen! Tell those ninja moles to just go right back where they came from.

I believe in you, Katie, and I know I'm not the only one.

HUGS!!!!!

Owen's Mom

You are very brave for posting. Being honest is good for the soul.

I have done a fair amount of emotional eating, and unfortunately destructive behaviors never help. In fact, it creates a cycle of feeling worse about yourself. I am sorry about your heartbreak and hope you can see through it soon. People break your heart, but the important ones stick around and love you for you.

I will keep you in my thoughts this week. Have a good one. Crank up the tunes, rinse a dish and just start. :)

kia

I am so sorry for your heartbreak. It hurts plain and simple. However you are outstanding in that you are reflecting on epiphanies about your life and not in a denial or laughing it off way. It took me about 2 years to get to that point after my last heartbreak.

No one is saying you should be over your heart break, it takes time to heal that kind of wound. However the other areas of your life could use some loving action now - from you. You deserve that.

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